I have made a lot of mistakes.
I have made poor judgments.
I have hurt myself and those I care about.
None of it was intentional. I don’t think anyone makes mistakes or poor judgments on purpose. In the moment of decision, we make the best decisions we can with the information at hand.
The end of that sentence is key.
All of the poor decisions I have made were based on the information that I had and chose to consider at that time. More and maybe different information came later that made my decision a bad one in retrospect.
I don’t care to think about the gifts and opportunities that have been spilled and spoiled from the overflow of my cup generously and continuously filled by a gracious God.
Looking back at the road I have walked,
the unnecessary twists and turns,
dips and potholes,
that I thoughtlessly created are clearly evident.
When I have to identify that they are the fruit of unintentional arrogance, there is pain and I am humbled.
Broken in God’s vocabulary.
Now, in retrospect, I know that I could have done better. I had the knowledge. I even had the support and accountability. But I was too much enjoying worldly success and because my “responsibilities” were taken care of, a bit of indulgence was called for.
A bit of indulgence becomes a habit and its a habit that leaves little outward evidence of degradation or destruction. It seems only my soul slowly suffered. Outwardly, the battle was being won. By almost any standard worldly victory was had.
Success was mine. I looked good.
The important struggle was,
and is,
and rightly should be,
in my heart.
Struggling with my own declared and God-knighted purpose and the fleeting and ultimately counter-productive decisions to indulge in unintentional arrogance stole my peace, my self-confidence.
Which is, I think, all I really own.
